Bad Idea Crossover Entries

From an idea by Darth Krispies


1 - Darth Krispies.

Daphne shifted in the bucket seat as she plucked Fred?s groping hand off her upper thigh and placed it back on the steering wheel, giving him a little ?not in front of the children? look before turning back to gaze out the van window at the dark, humid southern Missouri night. The words of the drunk at the Ozarkland souvenir shop a couple miles back floated through her mind.

?It wuz some sorta flyin? ship. One o? them uffos. I seed it. And I seed whut come outta it. Some folks woulda thought it?d be little green men, but I tell you kids, it was the Devil hisself whut came down that ramp. All glowin? yeller eyes, and horns all over his head. He?s the one. Yup. He?s the one who?s bin cuttin? off the heads of all them stachoos over at Precious Moments park. And worse ?n that, I?m tellin? you.?

Yes, and it will turn out to be some disgruntled postal worker in a mask, or a land developer trying frighten off the park owners, or something hopelessly mundane thought Daphne a little sadly. Just once it would be nice to run into the real deal. Someone really dark and powerful. Someone who might take her away from this rather nasty old van, with it?s ground in funk of wet dog, Shaggy?s unwashed T-shirts, Velma?s Old Spice, and lately, Fred?s Axe. Daphne sighed, trying to breathe through her mouth, as Fred?s damp palm casually landed on her knee and began its nonchalant crawl up her leg toward her thong elastic. One way or another, this was definitely her last adventure with the gang.

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2 - LadyMiniMaul

The sign said the Scimitar was in Red Bank, New Jersey, whatever that meant. Maul snorted, thinking the Outer Rim would be preferable, but alas, this backwards blue planet was as far as the Infiltrator had been able to limp. Cloaking the ship, he pulled his black robes closely around himself as he walked, contemplating the tortures he would unleash upon the engineers at Sienar if he ever made it back to Coruscant.

The trace of two familiar scents floated in the wind, and he followed them, coming to a stop before a long, low building with signs indicating "RST Video" and "Qwik Stop". A sheet secured to metal shutters proclaimed, "I ASSURE YOU WE'RE OPEN". This was the source of the familiar odors -- coffee, and shoe polish. He passed the pot dealing slackers loitering outside, a long-haired loudmouthed blond and a tubby silent guy in a long coat. The blond had uttered more profane words since Maul had been within hearing range than Maul himself had ever uttered in his entire life. He entered the building, following the scent of coffee and nearly tripping over a black cat. It hissed, Maul growled, the cat fled. The foolish human behind the counter gasped and ducked as the Sith Lord approached, beverage in hand. He placed the cup on the counter and peered over at the human cowering on the floor. "Iridium?"

"I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!!!"

As Maul tapped his unignited saber hilt on the formica, patiently demanding to know where he could find iridium, someone pushed him aside. The Sith turned his head a fraction to glare, growling when the blond slacker snorted at him, saying, "Oh, great, some idiot Episode One fan. Go wash your face and don't come back until you have a black helmet and a respirator. Hey, Dante, give me your keys."

Growling more audibly now, Maul flicked his thumb, igniting one blade of his lightsaber...

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3 - Dark Lady

"Hey! Is that a lightsabre?" Were the first words Maul heard when he fell out of the Stargate, performing a controlled roll onto the landing floor of Stargate Command. Springing, with considerable grace, to his feet, Maul flicked the thumb-switch of his weapon and the snap-hiss of the laser beam resounded in the vast hall, its red light casting an unearthly glow over the faces of the assembled troops. Still moving, a red and black blur of controlled menace, he assessed the numbers and armoury of the assembled Marines.

"Gosh! I had one of those.."

'Not like this, you didn't,' thought Maul, as he prowled the landing stage, looking for an opening in the tightly knit ranks of grim-faced soldiery.

A figure clad in khaki fatigues pushed eagerly through the ranks and made to touch the handle, while jabbering on about what he did and had when he was a lonely child.

Maul pushed him away with a rough gesture, as a woman's voice called, "Rodney, be careful..."

The man turned. "Careful? Elizabeth, do you realise what we have here? One of the finest theoretical weapons ever devised. Just think what it could do against the Wraith if we could get it to work for us!"

'Oh it works just fine,' thought Maul, still prowling as an attactive woman, petite with dark hair, joined the man called Rodney at the front of the ranks of troops. She laid her hand on the man's arm as if to restrain him.

"We must use diplomacy, and only when those avenues have failed can we use force."

"Diplomacy! They want to eat us, Elizabeth, eat us. The time for diplomacy is long past." Dismissing Elizabeth from his attention, Rodney turned back to Maul, who could sense the frustration, rage, and outright fear, underlying his words.

"Can you show us how to make these? Time is short and.."

Maul now sensed no threat, only an opportunity, and as the woman Elizabeth gave the order for the troops to stand down, he switched off his sabre, and clapped Rodney on the shoulder.

"Well now, have you heard of the Sith? We do a nice line in these things, and they have a lifetiime guarantee."

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END